boy math is just yassified money laundering

if that header didn't get you to open this then honestly idk what will

By the time you’re reading this, another long weekend will have passed. All those dreams of visiting mountains and beaches and other stereotypical tourist locations that people love basing their personality on for no reason, quashed and crushed under the unbearable weight on you on your bed and your phone on your chest as you scroll endlessly thinking the next 10s clip of an alligator vibing to Chaiyya Chaiyya might finally be the one that ends this dreary search for meaning and gives you at least three moments worth of dopamine. I struggle with meaning, a lot. It’s difficult for me to find meaning or essence in a lot of things because a part of me is convinced that the universe is an uncaring, cold void where nothing truly means anything, and everything consequential or significant is only just a cosmic coincidence. It’s all math, just plain old probability. There is nothing that is meant to happen, and thus inherently, nothing really means anything. A counterpoint to that would be (as the other part of my mind likes to tell me) that since nothing has meaning, everything has meaning. Now before I start sounding like a Sadhguru sermon (we’re halfway there already, all I need to do now is add a dash of pseudoscience about how swallowing mercury will give you the ability to fly and we’ll be cooking in no time), let me explain. Yes I know, explaining, that too in a newsletter- I’m like a revolutionary or something. The argument is that since there is no apparent meaning in things, it is up to you to create that meaning. To do things that literally, from scratch, from thin air, churn out meaning in something. Like magic. And I like that. I like knowing that what something means is now up to me. It’s like Final Cut Privilege (a quick google search should suffice, don’t be lazy now), but in real life. Maybe it’s the aspect that since creating this meaning in something is your responsibility, whatever baggage it came to you with, is now gone. The past doesn’t matter. What matters is what you do with it, now. And I think that’s a sweet thing. It is also very out of character for me to take something so bleak and attempt to make it hopeful, even if just a little bit. If things got too cheery, I apologize. Did you know that your pinky finger has a horizontal dent running along its length because of all that time you spend using it to prop up your phone? Maybe you’re doing it right now. Take a look. Panic for three seconds and then resume scrolling. And probably figure out another way to hold that phone now.

While we’re at it, here’s a song from one of my favorite films that I think needs to be appreciated more.

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Lately when I’m writing, or when I’m actually not rather- I write down words/ phrases that I want to talk about here. I have a Whatsapp group (as I suspect most people reading this do) with just myself, pinned above all the other chats. Anytime I remember a topic, I type and send it in there, hoping I remember to check the damn group in the first place. Right now, it reads, in this particular order only: ganpati, zeenat aman, gen v, media consumption. Another text below reads simply, October. The month, not the movie- although given my current state of mind that warrants a paragraph also. So yes, back to the list. I love the Ganesh Chaturthi festival in Mumbai, and that I wanted to talk about. I also happen to love Zeenat Aman Ji, and I had the privilege of being there as she presented a screening of her movie Don, just a few days ago. Gen V is a show I recently watched and while I went in with low expectations, I actually ended up having a lot of fun. I realize this last sentence makes no sense if I go on to talk about media consumption next, but yeah that also- but I feel I talk a lot about that anyway. And lastly, October. Weird month, no fixed opinions about it. But hopefully fun- my fingers are crossed.

I really like the Ganpati festival in Mumbai. Before I go on with it, I wanna play with your perception a little bit. It’s only been a few editions but if I was to ask you right now, based only on what you’ve read so far- Would you take me to be a religious person? It’s a very light question, but I’d like it if you thought about it. The answer interests me. Maybe because I don’t know it myself. I haven’t really figured out my relation with God and religion and the works yet. Four minutes ago you were literally reading about how I think the universe is a meaningless void, so I think my belief systems should be pretty clear by now. It’s not that I’m cynical- I try really hard to not be in fact- but it’s more about how I just don’t know what I believe in. And right now, I think that’s fine. I have the rest of my life to figure out (I look both ways before crossing the street so I’m sorta confident I have at least six more years), and I think that the fun, is in the process. Maybe the journey to finding out what you truly believe in is more eventful than the destination? Maybe you live out seven, eight, nine decades not knowing what it means and then one fine day when you’re tied to a railway track with a metro car heading towards Colaba (I said nine more decades, so tab tak toh ban hi jayegi) fast approaching, and in a moment of desperation- or resignation, who knows when there’s a trolley full of corporate wageslaves headed your way- you close your eyes and there it is. Your answer. You finally know what you believe in. That knowledge doesn’t make you magically free from your bonds and ascend towards heaven, and neither does it stop the metro. And it’s probably going to hurt like shit anyway. But it keeps you calm, at peace with yourself. You know you’re going, a fact you knew five seconds ago too, but you’re just a little more comfortable with leaving all this behind. Maybe they have McDonald’s in heaven, who knows?

This is the point where I realize I digress too much. It takes a little bit of effort to talk about the festival, because I think of it in mostly glowing terms. I’m really careful of talking about things I like, or even love, because I feel like at times I don’t know how to. It’s really easy to be a mean asshole about shit you hate- trust me I’ve done it enough to deserve a PhD or something. But things that give you joy are different. I need to be careful about how I present it because that dissonance between how I see it and how I show it (in this case, to you) might end up affecting how I see it in the first place. I’m probably overthinking this, but I don’t wanna digress again.

I was at a friend’s Ganpati aarti last week, and after a point things really kicked in. There’s a guy on the dholki- a smaller version of the dhol- and he was going at it like a maestro. There was another guy doing the singing, and he was so good it was unbelievable. A room full of at least thirty people singing continuously for almost half an hour. I’m not a religious person but I felt something more than just an ordinary perceptive experience. It was quite something. I like Mumbai during all festivals. The city takes on a different form every time and people seem a lot more, well, like people during these days. It causes some trouble, yes. Traffic is messed up and the crowding might get too much. Those are the things that happen, I’m not gonna go out romanticizing an event and ignoring the pitfalls. It gets tough for some people, and there’s no denying that. Maybe my enjoyment of the festival does stem from a place of privilege. But I really appreciate the way it makes me feel. I think more than the customs, I like it for the people. It gives everyone a reason, and the time (the latter part is more important) to meet each other, hang out just an extra five minutes more, and crack one more joke before leaving. It gives you an opportunity to eat the food you love with the people you love, in the comfort of your own home- away from service charges and the inability to turn down the godawful music blasting from a speaker four inches from your face. It gives you the rare opportunity to meet and talk and laugh and most importantly, just be with a person you love for reasons not related to your Google calendars and weekend schedules. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I do like the people more than the celebrations. Maybe I only like these events because they’re a couple of hours of just nice, cute, silly things. And in this economy I’d take that over anything else, any day.

I hate to be this self aware but a part of me does realize this week’s edition turned out a little different. For starters, not as funny (Will personally GPay 5rs to the first person to comment “Abbey pehle kaunsa funny hua karta tha” ). Hmm, fair hai. I don’t know, I lowkey didn’t feel like this one needed humor per se. But yeah point being, ye sab baatein bhi hongi yahan. I hope you weren’t bored with these ramblings, or worse- felt the need to check Twitter somewhere in the middle. I’m oddly optimistic about the rest of the year, I don’t know if I should be. I’ll see y’all next week.